One Night at the Bar

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty

women talking at the bar.
  
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and

asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
 
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you 

bloody idiot!"
  
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.  

Are you three whales from Scotland?"
  
And that's the last thing I remember.

" I don't care who you are...now that's funny!" - Larry the Cable Guy 

Roflmao

ha ha

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five ******’ times.”

 Funny! LMAO  

 An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

 A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were sitting at the bar trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The Redhead said, "My boyfriend's like 7-Up. He's seven inches long and he's always up. "
The Brunette said, "My boyfriend's like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time. "
The Blonde said," My boyfriend's like Jack Daniels."
The Brunette cut in, "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor. "
A smile crossed the Blonde's face. "I know."

 I went to the Bar last night, had a shot or two,
and saw a fat  chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled  and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said “Definitely, most  tables would have collapsed by now. ”

 

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

 There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.

 

A man and a friend are at the Bar one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A small step from the Bar to the Doctors Office:

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

A woman gets is at the Bar with her baby. The Bar Tender says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the Bar and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The Barkeep just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

two irish men walk into a bar

you thoght one of them would have seen it!

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly

Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony

says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane

that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry

cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually

Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek

of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can

e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss

couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie

bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Two guys are sitting at the bar when they see a dog licking his balls. The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that.

The second guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."

 Could not resist this one - not a Bar Joke but funny 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." 

 A man sits at a bar. ‘What’ll you have?’ asks the bartender. ‘A Scotch, please,’ replies the man. The bartender hands him the drink, and says, ‘That’ll be five dollars.’ The man replies, ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.’ A lawyer, sitting nearby says to the bartender, ‘He’s right. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.’ The bartender is not impressed and tells the man to finish his drink and get out. The next day the man returns. ‘What the hell are you doing back?’ says the barman. ‘I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to show your face here!’ The man replies, ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!’ ‘I’m very sorry,’ says the barman. ‘But the resemblance is uncanny. You must have a double.’ So the man says, ‘Thanks. Make it a Scotch.’


A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. "Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage. The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I"m a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation: "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

 This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.

A guy walks in.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".