Wow. I just came on to this site. I don't have much to say at the moment as I need to get to bed so I can drive to the swap meet in the morning. But I would like to offer a saying that I try to live by and is printed on my business cards "The bend in the road, is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn". There are some very tight life turns we have on this journey, with support (& for me, a higher power) we can tuck our knees in and roll on.

love that lady dragon.thats what lifes about

SIDETRACK: You are an admirable woman! Yes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Our wants may be off track, and our needs are met. Despite our protests and fist pounding, things turn out the way they should, and we are right where we're supposed to be. I've learned to "Let go and let God."

I was married to a man for 21 years who abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually. He called me names, "brainwashed" me into thinking I was stupid, worthless, and unable to survive on my own. I was scolded, controlled, micromanaged, and manipulated. I wasn't "allowed" to go out with my friends for an evening, let alone for a weekend away. I worked full time and raised our 2 kids 99.9% (he at least gave me credit for that!) on my own. Needless to say, I snuck behind his back and put myself on the back of my friend's bike for some therapy on wheels.

I finally divorced him in 2005 and it was legally finalized in 2007. I broke off the shackles and spread my wings. I learned to ride my own bike in 2008. When my family met my b/f who is a 1%er, I was rejected and banned from joining the family as long as I was with him. Unfortunately, my daughter rejected me too. My son "tolerates" my lifestyle, but does not accept it.

Anxiety: Yup! When I was married, I had absolutely no money worries! He makes 3.5x more than I do, and still tries to manipulate me, telling me I should pay for this and that for our kids, that he is hurting and sacrificing!!! Meanwhile he takes 4 vacations per year (he'll be going to New Zealand this June!!), attends 16-20 Dodger games per year in seats that cost $380 per game, and just finished remodeling his kitchen and bathrooms. Meanwhile, I haven't had a raise since the early 1990s, got a 9% cut in pay back in the 90s, looking at a 2% cut in pay between now and May, and being threatened with a 12% cut starting in September! I bought a house that I love after I got my 1/4 of the estate after divorcing (he's a CPA and manipulated the numbers till I ended up with only 1/4), but can't afford heating, air conditioning, drapes, or to make repairs, and I haven't been on a vacation since I was married.

Despite my situation, I am eternally grateful for what I have! I have a home filled with positive energy, I am no longer (nor will I ever be, ever again) in an abusive relationship, I have a b/f that adores and respects me, I have my bike and a luxurious car, I am surrounded by people who love me, I have a job during this recession, and the list goes on!!!

Sidetrack, I'm with you! Blessings and love to you,
"Brat"

Candyride, I wonder why our stories are almost exactly the same and we're just meeting now?
Haha, my divorce is still in the works and the manipulations and abuse still continue...but only when I forget than I no longer need to let it continue, he's got nothing on me anymore.
But I become stronger each day, and have welcomed people into my life who love me without feeling the need to change me to fit thier picture of who I should be. About every other day I remember to have faith in myself and that I am on the right path in finding myself and becoming the strong capable woman I am meant to be. I know that living out the rest of my life true to myself is no longer negotiable so I can give my sons, and the world the best of what I have to offer...which is so very, very much.
Welcome, thank you for sharing your story, and good luck.
Steph

Sometimes I get the feeling some folks is meant to be single, 1st wife died of cancer, 2nd wife and I just quit after a few years, 3rd wife died in a traffic accident when our son was 1 1/2, 4th wife left after 12 years cause I wouldn't kick my son out the second he turned 18, that was 8 years ago. One gal I hooked up with since got jealous of the internet so she cane in and  then busted my skull open when I wasn't looking, she got drugged out in handcuffs, last woman I hooked up with was the ......... I never do nuttin wrong.

Don't know how many of y'all are aware of my stalker issues, been going on for a year next month, please refer to my blog if you care for details, this post is to celebrate a little gumption...

Out last night with one of my best friends, blowing off steam as A LOT has gone on in both of lives the past few weeks, we laugh like hell and always have a blast, sold Harley's together, etc... We both are pretty awsome alone, but together... intimidating as hell, haha
After a few drinks and games of pool we were both feeling feisty and honestly, yes, looking for trouble. The crap with the stalker has also escalated a lot over the past three weeks, my lawyer sucks and i've pretty much said whatever and to hell with the legal routes. Every man who said he'd handle anything with this scumbag has let me down, the pool hall we both played on a league on asked ME to stay away about 4 months ago, cops always get to my house AFTER the f'er sneaks away etc.
Caught him sneaking around last week and lost it, grabbed my gun, threw open the door started yelling @ the MF'er, scared the piss out of him and he ran off. The next day i talked to some biker friends and instead of just bitchin' i asked them specifically to go talk with him (they haven't yet, I don't think...) but I KNOW they will.
Anyway so last night my girlfriend and i decided to go to the pool hall, i mean, the restraining order and all is in limbo STILL, my excuse was that i figured that the owners old request wasn't valid anymore either, haha!
Walk in and the f*** is there with his skanky adultering slut of a girl (it's true, and she's the reason he fought the order instead of just agreeing to leave me alone, the bitch LOVES some drama), My pal and I sit down, order a shot and a drink for last call, everybody is just watching and waiting to see what happens.
The owner comes over, gives me a hug, the dick, says i shouldn't be there... i told him "sorry, but why? If it's an issue go ahead and call the cops, pull me out in cuffs, that will be hilarious, THEN let'ssee what happens", but i'd gladly go to jail and get this rolling again! My girl starts listing off the cops and sherrif's she and i are friends with, the slut storms in and out, in and out throwing a little tantrum, and the stalker looks so angry, he goes outside to smoke and powow with about 6 people and the owner. She and i are just smiling, laughing, hugging on the folks i haven't seen in months, that keep walking up to queen Steph, sitting at the bar like this nite is normal...
Owner comes back over, we tell the owner ok we'll leave (it was 2:15 am after all, haha!) after i hit the restroom...
While i'm gone she lists the 15 alcohol violations he will be cited for, she mentions that I know exactly who is dealing crap to him outta the bar, that all the law has to do is walk in and the bar would never recover financially enough to reopen, call the law on me! She also asks the owner to tell the stalker that I AM going to have police follow him, will only take a day or two to bust him for embezzling $ from his folks company, bust him and both of his freaking dealers, AND his friends, that I do know where his parents live and should go have a sit down with his mom (who i really do like and respect and she is the reason he's been lucky about how i've handled this, i'm a mom too, i've been protecting HER), that if I ever got arrested or feel for one second a victim EVER again, the bar, owners, stalker, slut will have all kinds of hell falling around them. It's time for the stalker to sign and agree to leave me alone, NOW! Period! No more playing, because STEPHANIE IS DONE!

She and i smile, finish our drinks with laughs and so much pleasure. We wlk out, because IT WAS A FABULOUS NITE!
Asshole owner IS shaking in his boots, we gave facts last night, not threats. And I took matters in my own hands. I am on top of the world today. No negative repercussions can fall on me as i did not one thing wrong last night. MFing stalker is shaking in his boots. And if his addict ass gets crazy enough to come to MY house ever again, he knows without a shadow of a doubt what i will without a second thought do to him, if he follows me around in his car ever again, he will too be followed, and if any harm or duress ever falls on me again because of him and him NOT signing those papers Monday, he will not live a life long enough to lose that regret.
I do not feel like a victim today, at all. And all I( had to do was let the asshole know my intentions.
Today, i AM a new woman. And all it took was the supportive strength of another woman like you ladies.
Thank you gals, I love you all, and am proud to feel I can stand beside your ranks.

Had to reread my own post, I'm stll floating on how proud of myself I am. And it only took 39 years...lol!

Given what you have been through you should be proud!! Don't put up with anything from anyone you don't like!

Reading through the posts, I am meek. It is unbelievable what you ladies have gone through, are going through. My whining about trivialities such as the weather causes me to feel shame. I have a lucky life, divorced but not a bad divorce. He was an alcoholic and gambler but a heck of a nice guy...but I did not want to live that way and did not want the arguments to escalate. That is it for trauma in my life. Never remarried but I meant to...my defense is that he has not found me yet!
Congrats to you ladies who have overcome being victimized, who are fighting to regain their lives. My helmet's off to you!

Life is tough for all of us, the scale doesn't really have relevance. The lessons we share hopefully protect and teach each other, make us stronger and bind us together as the family we are all becoming. Spider, I am sure I speak for all of us in thanking you for your encouragement and support.
Independantly we are good, together, we can all be great.
xox,
Steph

I protect people. I try to help mend heal thier weaknesses and I keep thier secrets, I will do this for everyone I care at all about, and i will do this forever for the deserving. I am "the Mother" in every crowd I've ever been in, it's just who I am.
I am more honest, loyal and true than most anyone i know, because that is what i crave to find in others,
But yes, eventually, if that love and loyalty that I give so nakedly is abused, I WILL allow someone to bury themselves and I will just stand back and watch the world take care of those of us who are good. Sometimes the universe just needs a little help to get the right information into the right hands. And I do know a few people

Don't worry, I've got your back baby!
                      

Hang in there girl...tough times, they come and go, sometimes you have to stay in them awhile, but they do go. As a single mom with one of those no good baby daddys, I know hard times when it comes to money, and just trying to meet the basic needs. I shed alot of tears at times and find that there is a weariness to my soul, but I also know what gets me through...Just to sturborn to give into it all, got to make it cause I dont know how to give up. keep your chin up, the spring has to bring better days.

If there's anyone who will beat the beast back; It's you...No doubt in my mind  

Single Mother her of now two teenagers, but they where 5 and 6 when I got divorced. I handled my own then because I was making decent change..... not a lot but enough to take care of my kids and have a little extra to put in the bank. NOW, my son is 18 and going to graduate this year, my daughter will be 17 this summer and graduate next year. I have been laid off more times then I care to count and I have been working the same job currently for 2 1/2 years. Due to the economy, I am not getting paid what I am worth, even if it is needed no OT is authorized so I work my 8 and go home and it is tough to pay the bills and I don't have any credit cards. Just rent, utilities and groceries and the stuff the kids need like clothes and all the stuff that is not paid for in school like it was when I was going to school. I don't think I have slept through the night once in over a year, go to bed and still wake of at 4 AM worrying how I am going to get everything paid for and God Forbid that something breaks or goes wrong, because there is nothing left in a savings account. Still single and would not mind a partner, lover, friend to share with, but not looking for a sugar daddy!

.

fxrdude, as I told badinfluence GrandChildren are our Legacy. You just happen to be LUCKY enough to have control over how yours turns out! May the Good Lord Bless and keep you!!!

saw1966, times are tough now, and I do know what it like to live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes worse. You've done an amazing thing raising two children alone to teens, soon to be adults, possibly embarking on thier own. Be proud of what you've done and keep it up as best as you can. Try to stay positive, things will eventually pick up or maybie theres a better position out there. I Hope things get better for you and your kids, and they will.

fxrdude, it's no secret here you love "your boys", from reading some of your other posts over the time I've seen you posting (don't have a better way to phrase that presently). Sorry about your daughter, (I can relate theoreticly) you should be grandpa, taking them from time to time and spoiling them, then sending them back no matter how calm or hyper, that technically should be your job. You've taken a bad situation and stood tall and taken the burden of raising them yourself. The important thing is that they're being raised with someone who loves them and wants to guide them to the right path.

Thank You Hutch. I do and I will and I am a whole lot stronger and better for it. Just sometimes, it really is therapy to put it all in writing and let it go then get on the bike and JUST GO!!!

I hear ya! Both great thereapy.

You will be a better, stronger, happier, independent woman in the end. Stay strong! I went through the same thing. Everything happens for a reason and don't ever look back. Stay focus and be strong...God will guide you through the hard times! Hang in there babe!!!

AMEN and Thank you!

At 5'1" and a tad over my ideal weight I'm sure I AM intimidating! I can see how one might feel it will take an army of men to scare me and my sons and beat me down til I'm nothing instead of just agreeing to leave me the hell alone. I mean, really?

Sorry, to be whining again. Just got back into town and to this email from one of the stalkers friends "pull another stunt like you did last week at hhb, and you're ******!"

My lawyer and ex husband are blowing it off as if i sweep this under the rug the threat will just disappear. I KNOW this guy stalking, I know his pal and have seen how scary crazy they both can get when they get messed up. Heading to the local PD tomorrow with the naive hope that the cops will give a crap and protect me, hasn't been effective for the last year, no one cares!

The friend needs to be charged and arrested for communicating a threat (I do have the email), but I can also hear his voice in my head dammit, I know what he is really saying to me. The stalker should be charged for enlisting the assistance of another to threaten to cause me harm and duress, isn't this the start of what could become a beating for hire? Or worse?

These are NOT idle threats to me, not anymore dammit and I am sick of everyone acting like I'm over reacting, what's it going to take for the law to help me? A photo of my sons crying over the body of their Mother beaten, I pray not to death.

This is all because I said NO, that my boys come first, that drinking and drugs were NOT to be a part of any environment my children or myself would be around. I told this man to respect me enough to leave me alone and that avoiding each other would have been sufficient, in the beginning.

I'm sick, angry at nearly everyone, I'm so tired of being afraid and feeling I must hide under my bed or run away. I am so anxious to LIVE MY LIFE again. And I am beginning to feel hatred, at the system far more than these two assholes, and I am full of disgust for those who have only encouraged me to be weak, meek, and to let this scumbag win this battle.

I have no idea how to deal with this, and I am sad, tired and angry.

My sons depend on me to protect THEM and keep them safe, I also owe it to the world to use this whole experience as a tool to raise them to be better men, but so far all they have seen is how women are victims, unprotected.

Steph thats no way to live ,keep telling someone until someone helps you. there has to be one damn good cop out there. Have you tried a womens shelter,even if you dont need shelter these people have resourses and no where to send you,those women have been through the same thing.Can't wait to meet you at meet and greet, we will all have hugs and drinks.