February 22, 2011 1:57 AM PST
1) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
4) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
5) Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
10) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
11) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
12) Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
13) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
15) A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
16) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
17) The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
18) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
19) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
20) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
21) Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
22) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
23) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
24) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
25) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
26) Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
27) Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30) Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
February 22, 2011 3:10 AM PST
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
February 22, 2011 4:21 AM PST
gotta love it!!
February 22, 2011 4:52 AM PST
The truth shouldn’t hurt unless it ought to.
February 22, 2011 8:51 AM PST
If it wern't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
February 22, 2011 9:07 AM PST
If it wern't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Gloom, despair, and agony on me....
I used to watch HEEHAW all the time!!!
February 22, 2011 10:03 AM PST
4, 9, 18, and 26! Lol!
I am reminded of the most important rule of the universe:
Never, under any circumstances, even remotely suggest that a woman might be pregnant unless you can actually see a baby emerging from her body at that very moment.
February 22, 2011 12:02 PM PST
LOL Cathy! That just popped into my head. I watched it too.
February 23, 2011 8:28 AM PST
The only way to fix stupid is to kill it --- before it reproduces....
When we try to make something idiot-proof, someone makes a better idiot...
February 23, 2011 9:44 AM PST
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck....it's probably a duck.
February 24, 2011 3:24 AM PST
4, 9, 18, and 26! Lol!
I am reminded of the most important rule of the universe:
Never, under any circumstances, even remotely suggest that a woman might be pregnant unless you can actually see a baby emerging from her body at that very moment.
Amen to that!!!! When I had an auto service business in my garage at home, one of my customers had a one year old toddler with her. She either was having a hard time losing the p g weight or was just a little plump around the middle. I commented that she had another one on the way. WRONG!!!!! I never saw either of them again.
February 25, 2011 12:57 AM PST
I've never seen the sweatshirt, but saw the sign on a pair of jeans once. I said "Adicted to macaroni and cheese?"
February 26, 2011 11:31 PM PST
4, 9, 18, and 26! Lol!
I am reminded of the most important rule of the universe:
Never, under any circumstances, even remotely suggest that a woman might be pregnant unless you can actually see a baby emerging from her body at that very moment.
you got that right.... i did that once! I thought i was going to be killed! I mean, where do you go from there! A man could probably get away with it by switching it up and saying... oh your boobs look so full!
