if you wake in the morning and know that groceries will be on the table, be grateful...if you wake in the morning and know you can supply your childs needs, be grateful...if you wake in the morning and have no doubt that your mate is there for you, be grateful...if you drop to your knees in despair and cry out to God in lonliness and hopelessness, and you feel the reassuring calm of your maker, be grateful...if your life has been anything but a constant struggle for the basics, be grateful...if...you are not lost, not caught up in a whirlwind of desolation, not so soul tired that you cant see any other way out...be grateful....because, for whatever reason...for some of us, a bullet kissing the brain is the only peace I can see.  I'm scared and need help.

Well said - Probably can't do squat that would be useful but feel free to PM

Take a moment and look around you! Observe your family and especially your kids if you have some. These are the people that you will be affecting with your thoughts of ending your life prematurely. My best friends older sister Lynette had the pleasure of being the one to discover their father who had shot himself in the temple with a pistol. It ruined her life and to this day she is still in and out of mental facilities. By the way this happened over thirty years ago and they never have forgiven their dad for doing this to them. Everyone on this planet has something to contribute, were all in this game we call life. There are plenty of mental health care professionals available to everyone and alot of them work for the county or state you live in and are free. I don't want to sound mean but you will be ruining the lives of all of your family and especially your children like the one in your profile picture. I hope you take my advice an find some professional help. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or a veterans hospital, just being around these folks who have such hope for the future will lift you out of this terrible funk that you seem to be going thru. Remember also that your local church may have lots of help for you, being "right with the lord" for me lifts all my worries away when its time to settle down at the end of the day. I hope you find inner peace young lady!!

Denise,,
Have to agree with Wheels on this one. No matter HOW bad things are, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I too have been down that road where I thought there was no way out. Thank God, I didn't do anything foolish. I think about the effect it would have had on my family and friends and just shutter. As Wheels said, there is a ton of professional help available to you. PLEASE, we want you to be around for a long time...... I for one, will be keeping you in my prayers.

Denise - ditto what the other guys have said.

I have had to live a long number of years with the memory of a mum who took her own life and it has taken years for me to be able to put to rest the pain, hurt and guilt of whether I could have forseen it and done anything to prevent it - also the anger that she 'left' me without giving me the chance to try. If not for yourself think of the children you would leave behind - would you really want them to live with those feelings and memories - I know first hand that I wouldn't want mine to have to live with that? Things might appear extremely bleak now but just look into your child's eyes and take a look at the smile on your child's face and take comfort that no matter how bad things are a child's love is unconditional. There are so many good professionals available and treatments for acute depression and also assistance for those day to day struggles. Keep in touch with the CF family - we will all keep you in our prayers.

Big Hugs (o:

Denise. Please get some help. At the very least go to a local church and ask to talk to someone. There are always options. Always!

Better times will come.Please seek solace in a friend or even a stranger but it will get better.That is not the answer to anything.

There are times when there seems to be only one way out, but if you take a moment and really think about the situation, another way will always present itself. There are local agencies that can help you, which ones depend on the particular situation. As some suggested, local churches can help, especially the Catholic charities. Local United Churches of Christ (Congregational) are also usually helpful and don't care if you're a parishioner or even a Christian. You might check the local shelters too, they always have a list of agencies that can help with your needs. Please feel free to email me if you'd like and if you can give me some details, I might be able to get you in touch with folks that can help. I live in Kansas, but have a pretty wide network of friends and "accomplices" so to speak that are pretty good at lending a hand where needed.

Denis,
I can't really add anything much that hasn't already been said, except "I'm praying for you"! There is a poem called "Footprints in the Sand" that has always been a help to me. You can check it out here: http://www.wowzone.com/fprints.htm

Have to agree with all the others...That is NOT the way to make anything better. Get help where you can...things are Never as bad as they might seem at any one point in time..believe me, I know. Been there, and I still thank the Great Spirit for slappin me up the side of the head and waking me up! Continue to reach out, the help will be there, and you'll see the light.

Hang tough - things will ALWAYS get better - my brother didn't understand that and took his life at 18 - it's completely devastating for those left behind - whatever you're going through will pass - you gotta beleive that and talk to people about your situation - you'll see folks are always ready to help out - please hang in there -

There is quite a bit of love coming your way, and with that many people that care about you, you WILL overcome the deamons that haunt you. Remember good things come to good people.
Dragon

rynydaz,

I read your post yesterday and didn't know how to respond. For some reason there is a pass of road that has high energy and I often feel the presence of my family that has passed, not sure why. It was there that I felt your sorrow and pain. It brought tears to my eyes just as it is now. I thought about how you must be feeling and how if I had seen your pain in person if I would have walked right by. Then I realized by not acknowledging your post that is exactly what I did...I walked right past. I couldn't get you off my mind and booted up the computer when I got home before I started dinner. It was so late I didn't get (take) the time to respond and went to bed. Again you were the first thing on my mind this morning. God ask me why I walk past you and I didn't know what to tell him except I was going to.....but I walk on past. And here your are again on my mind, but I'm not walking past you. I'm stopping to ask you what has gotten you in this state of mind but mostly I'm asking if there is anything I can do to ease your pain? I don't know you but God has put you on the top of my list. What can I do? I'm not a lot of things that could make your life good, I'm only one person that hopes to make it better. I will pray for you and your situation. I figure God wants me to do something if only to reach out, I figure he has a plan. Send me a message on my profile, we'll talk.

Sending you prayers, hope, faith and strength my friend in God's name.

Denise, Like the others before me, I don't understand what has brought you to this place. You are not the first to arrive, nor will you be the last in this place. Your friends here on CF are the real deal; we'll do what ever it takes to help. First you need to help us to help you. Check your messages, there you'll find my name and phone number. Day or night, doesn't matter.... if you want to talk, use it!!! I'm in NC, not too far from GA. May God bless you and grant you peace. You are in my prayers....

Help is on the way dear...
Ryndaz, I'm praying for you! But listen to me, please. I just got done ranting on how sucky my current situation is, and then I read your post. It's a God thing, girl, cause just when I'm feeling sorry for myself, over something which now seems pale in comparison, God smacks me. And he did. I know what you are going thru, I was a single mom for 17 of my son's 19 years. But look at what you wrote. The part about dropping down on your knees, crying out to God, and feeling his reassurance and calm. God IS with you, girl. It may not seem like it, at times, but he is. Trials and tribulations are gonna happen to us all, but think about your life and your children. Look back, and I know you'll find, that when it really really counted, ya'll got what you really really needed. Lonliness, not here. We are all here for you. Just talk to us. Hopelessness, while I can't fix depression, I can tell you that you can, simply by asking God to take it from you. Pray and ask God for his help, babygirl, HE will listen and answer.
I have been going thru one heck of a lot in the past year alone, but the one thing that won't ever change, is my faith. My faith in God, my faith in my fellow man, (especially when I have asked someone for help), and my faith that, just when things seem the darkest, comes the dawn.
This too, shall pass!  Please, hang in there. Things will get better, I promise you.  Much love, coming your way. OK?
RIDE FREE
Tweek 

Can't add anymore to the posts but just to let you know you have another who is praying for you and hope you can find the help you need right here with your CF brothers and sisters. Feel free to post us every chance you get and someone will be here to talk with you. God Bless Webb

Let me just jump back in a moment, because a couple of reply's after mind reminded me of a time when I was in a situation a lot less severe than yours. In my mind I had nowhere to go, so I got down on my knees and just talked to God. The VERY NEXT day God answered my prayers. The little talk you need to have with God is your ticket to freedom from the demons that you carry. It's not necessary to speak to God like the words that are written in the Bible.....Just Talk to him.
Dragon

Have not had the blessing of a personal relationship with God as so many others here obviously have so cannot speak to that, but I do have children and can tell you Denise that no matter how bad it gets I could not do to them what suicide would do to them. It's already been said so I'll just agree - and add: Peace for you *perhaps* (won't get into the morbid what-ifs) but certainly not peace for anybody you leave behind. Thinking of you, hoping you find peace and healing and strength. <3

thank you all for your concern and caring words. despair is making my mind crazy. it is funny to me, that i am so alone here and all these people that i dont even know, are willing to care. i just wish i was around some of yall, because i can hardly stand how alone our life is. it is along and insane story of how i got to this state of being. God knows that hindsight is so clear, but then again i know that there was probally nothing i could have done to change the things that went on so long ago, i have always known i guess that it would probally turn out this way, but beyond all my rough and outrageous ways, inside, i have always believed in the good of life, man, and love. Yet my life has not let me experience the very things that i have held secretly inside. now, i am full of distrust, despair and hopelessness. i think to myself, what i am going threw not is nothing compared to the things i have survived over and over in the past...where has my fight and strength gone? its truely not that i have given up, just that i have spent my whole life only surviving and fighting, and i have grown way to tired to do it anymore. this is not how life should be. i am not selfish in my thoughts, concerning my son, although it may sound that way. no one but me sees how my child suffers because of my inability to provide. sometimes i think a selfless mother, should do whatever, , to assure her child is taken care of. I am so sorry for you guys that shared your pain about what i speak of. i can only ask you to forgive the ones that hurt you so deeply. it is hard to understand sometimes where other people are. the outside does not always match the inside. i could almost promise you that they meant you no harm, although it did, forgive them, there pain was so bad, that you cannot understand. i dont know where to go, what to do, how to make anything better (the right way), I find that to be sad. i am tired and need rest.

rynydaz, you keep going back to "how my child suffers because of my inability to provide". I can tell you that I grew up in a proverty stricken home. We hunted mostly for what we ate, grew the rest or neighbors shared what they had. I remember getting a small transister radio, a blanket and a new trash can for my room for Christmas. I had a sponsor when I was growing up to help with school clothes. Without their care and concern I'm not sure how that need would have been met. My point here is even though I was criticized and osterized somewhat because I was from the "other" side of the tracks so to speak I remember the strength my Mother showed when things got hopeless, I remember the times we shared sometimes in a car eating chicken on a dirt road because we didn't have a home to have a turkey dinner. Times were bleek like they are for you. Not sure how God deals with you, but he will without a doubt shut down my world until I turn my attention to him so that he can tell/show me what it is he's trying to say/do. Perhaps your not listening to what he's saying. Not always what we want but then again we don't know what he has in mind. Just talk to him and ask him for his help. He knows your pain, he's waiting for you.

thank you my everyday angel, maybe you are exactly right....my world has shut down....my ears have been deaf for along time.

Listen, and you shall hear...Bless you.

Agree with postings above. Local churches open the arms to those in need, especially during the holidays. You are not alone. Faith, family and friends help you through the tough times, and are always there for you. Take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Get some help as suggested by the postings above, and a local church is probably your best step foward. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hello Denise.... I.read your post and I've been there . Hold on because it will get better.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.   It broke my heart to feel the dispair in your words because I know just how that feels.  There are Angels looking out for you that you may not see right now but they will show themselves in time.  Be patient and they will reveal themselves to you.    And when you think about a bullet as a way out.....just remember all the happy times that will come later that you will be missing out on and the memory that something that terrible will burn into your kids memories of you if you do.  They need you to be strong and be there for them to see their futures fufilled.   One thing I have learned through my trials is that for every storm I weather there is always a beautiful day just waiting ahead that I would have missed if I had given up.   You are a strong woman!  Don't give up!  There are people that love and need you!  I will be praying for you and your family.   I'm in SC not too far away if you need a friend to talk to.